I live on the island of Patmos. But Patmos means more than a location. If want to know what it means Just imagine you love something more than anything in the entire world (and out of it for that matter) Imagine you would do anything for that thing. To keep it safe. To keep it yours. Now imagine everyone else hating that lovely thing. Disgusted by it. Repulsed by it. Know what happens now? You get beat. You get tortured. Ridiculed. Spat on. Punched. Kicked. On the verge of death. Just to protect that one beautiful thing. On top of that you get shipped off to some desolate island to struggle to survive and be alone with your thoughts. Have you ever been alone with your thoughts? I'd rather be kicked and spat on honestly. Well, guess what? No matter how hard they tried to rid you of the thing you loved. You still got to keep it. Imagine how much more precious that thing is. Completely priceless. Just you and the thing. Have you ever been truly alone? Have you ever felt dismembered or maimed because you believed in something so much that no one else seem to understand? Trying to fit in to a place where your puzzle piece not only didn't fit properly but was to a totally different puzzle? Being bent and disfigured so that your piece could fit in where it doesn't belong Or are you the one that did the dismantling? Are you the one who tortured, maimed, even killed a dream, a belief that you didn't understand? Are you the one who exiled a poor soul because you disagreed on the one thing they loved? Now you need to decide are you going to be island or the exile? That is Patmos.

I’ve never killed a man but I’ve killed myself a bittersweet suicide too sweet to subside so I chose to abide in death as I exhale my final breath I see my self looking back at myself Like well what do you expect to be another dead kid next door another percentage that people so much seem to ignore another tick mark marking my meaning and determining my being and what my life was for at my funeral I hear the words of halfhearted comfort towards my mother, Oh it was God’s will, this happend for reason, you’ll get through this tough season but they dont know how it feels as if your own child has commited treason oh, it’s Gods will that I was fed up with my mistakes so I ended my life cause I didn’t like the taste? oh this season is tough well your season may be a few months but hers will be till her knees are weak and her heart refuses to beat Dont tell me that what I did was supposed to happen cause I thought I could control my destiny I sit idly by watching my depression grow, festerting as my lack of love and faith dwindles down to nothing I scream out for help but nobody listens my love for self hatred was far stronger than any pill or quack behind a desk could do I need a God. not a fat little statue you put on your dash or the enlightenment you seek behind that fog of that hash but a true. living. breathing God. one that loves me no matter how many times I screw up one that not only created me but the entire freaking universe A God who's passion for me can save me from all my inequities now that I think about it. I need a God that went through way worse than me. I need a God that literally defeated hell and came back with the devils head on a stake I need a God that will take on my mistakes I need a God that wont hang my noose up or pull the trigger but breaks the rope away from the beams and rips the gun out of my hands and claims to be Elohim the one God singular yet Three in One the Trinity is the only thing who can save me the only being who wont enslave me WHERE IS THAT GOD WHERE IS THAT GOD WHERE IS THAT GOD He's right here

The leaves fall along with the temperature , And my ambitions and thoughts are not far behind falling towards the frozen ground shattering on impact, splintered dreams and broken promises strewn across the ground finding gaps and crevices to rest and fill the empty space in the cracked surface. I am not alone. My thoughts are not on their own on the frosted tundra joining the likes of those around them they build up, towering, creating anew, these broken dreams atop one other building a vision unseen to many and unexplainable to even more the beauty of something broken mending itself among others to blossom into incredible grandeur. Scour the earth my dear friends. Ponder among impossibilities. You are not alone. Lift up those thoughts. Epiphany is the new drug and rehab is not an option. Ambitions set high. Come to a place of rest to let them fly. For those are no longer yours they are in the hands of the most high taken by piety. Give me your dreams young one give me your hearts I will take care of them I promise you are not alone my ways may not be safe but they are good so inexplicably good. Trust me dear son and daughter I am the ground they fall on and the sky they fall beneath I am beauty I am everlasting. My ears are the crevices, the ones where your splinters fall I catch them as they tumble keeping them safe. Do not fear for those dreams are seeds sinking into the ground planting a vision, a idea, and new outlook and it will grow ever so vastly in my care. Watch as it blossoms among short roots and under the hot sun, among the shallow soil and the underlying rock, among the thorns and thistles, among the footpath but producing thirty, sixty, even a hundred times as much as sown. Your words are not in vain your actions, although out of pain, are not forgotten they will flourish in my light. In my soil. Among my living water. They surely will not die

I want faith like peter but these waves have become quite strong as I lose sight of you I realize all that I've done wrong so I reach out my hand try to catch the only thing that can save me as I fail in my own eyes drowning in doubt and shame so you pick up my pieces and claim my faith inane yet you risked your footing just to save my skin from falling in the depths and be killed by the ocean My faith might be small but I want to move mountains twice as tall as my ego is and 3 times as much as my pride maybe a mustard seed is too big for me I mean I cant quite fill the shoes of the ones you called your friends maybe a beggar or a prostitute is all I am and half a seed is worthless but sometimes its all I have! CAN YOU WORK WITH THAT? can you work with that? but I realize you don’t need me you just wish that through my eyes you'd be seen I WANT SO BADLY TO SEE If I see your face then that mountain in front of me will seem to move and you wont have to prove that your grace is bigger than my faith My faith might be small but I want to move mountains twice as tall as my ego is or at least as tall as you let me is my mustard seed enough because sometimes I fear I’m missing the soil and throwing it upon the cement OH, WHAT A LAMENT

Behind sight to some it might be but others its open for everyone to see why does it unveil its self in such odd forms whether its harm or eating disorders that to a body they deform or tears that flow from the eyes of those who try or screams that come from the ones who can’t seem to cry now there is one result that is usually inevitable the question is not why but when from those that life they can’t handle thats final letter written that stands out one that gets more attention then the others without doubt yet doubt is something these words certainly contain thoughts that show this life they couldn’t maintain there are those who despise this feeling they put on a guise to mask the absent healing but there are others that lust for this hurt grasping at something that makes them feel worthless pretending is a cry for help for a problem they don’t even have wishing for sadness as if its something to crave one of those I am I’ll admit to that I am I want to seem more poetic but I know that what I’m reaching for is pathetic why do I think I deserve this melancholy lifestyle that I don't even live when others this lifestyle they want nothing more than to rid of Now to those who are truly depressed or have feelings that you have repressed I commend you more accurately my heart breaks for you I want to say i have been there I’ll try to say some kind words to sound sincere but I haven’t been in your shoes I've never really thought of my life as something to lose but I love you and wish you the best I hope that you find what you are searching for inside your chest cause there is something beautiful in sadness maybe thats why I want this sullen madness but let me tell you one thing happiness is relative and with that I'm not lying I want to be like you and the simple reason is with a broken heart there is something left to fix now let me finish with this those who know nothing but heartache and loneliness you are the ones who are truly blessed

I’ve got a boarded up heart a closed soul Trying to take my God under my own control but a box cant hold His heart only pieces and parts The whole is squandered among lumber but the splinters tear apart the tissue leaving Him ripped to shreds I will not let my God be captive Captivating maybe but no prisoner. no convict in me no lions, no den of thieves can keep me away from my God or my heart that I put on my sleeve My God is not gonna be held down by what I perceive my boarded up heart only keeps me safe not allowing room for risk or mistake my boarded up heart is confined by my own insecurities but my heart and my God are not the same one has a piece in another and the other well it has no hunger no thirst or wanting because He’s perfect blameless and unwavering my god is not suppressed to what I believe He should be CREATE IN ME A NEW HEART OH GOD one stripped bear blooding but still pumping open but still thumping accepting of healing fix the shell it calls a home cause this bound up heart takes place in a house but not a home only constructions and concepts- give it shelter but the winds and rains stain the broken concrete this unstable foundation isn't strong enough to hold your heart SO Build IN ME A NEW HOUSE OH LORD build it on a firm foundation on solid rock not sinking sand wasn't that the plan I want a structure structured to protect your heart but not confine it not to bind it but let the light shine from it enough to blind us break off these boards BUILD A NEW HEART BUILD A NEW HOME
OUT OF BROKEN PEICES YOU I WILL WELCOME SO BUILD ME UP BUILD ME UP JESUS